Hostel Part II 2007 Directed by: Eli Roth Cast: Lauren Graham, Bijou Phillips, Roger Bart

Written by: Tony DeFrancisco October 31, 2007

“If I don't come home covered head to toe in fake blood then I haven't done my job as a horror director." – Eli Roth

“Hostel: Part 2” could have been a good movie. It could have been a great horror film. It could have been one of those sequels that are better than their originals. But “Hostel: Part 2” lacks a four letter word that the original also lacked:

Fear.

Hell, for the good part of the first forty minutes, “Hostel: Part 2” HAS no fear, no blood, no nothing. But it just happens to be that these forty minutes may be the highlight of Eli Roth’s cinematic career. He shows us that maybe he should shift away from the horror genre, and possibly go into comedy, drama, or as a traveling guide. Maybe he should take a break from the cinema genre. But who in the hell am I kidding? He already signed me up for the upcoming “Trailer Trash.”

Beth, Whitney, and Lorna are all American college students studying in Italy (I think?), and they take a train to Slovakia with a really tall (and when I say tall, I mean REALLY tall) model that rides with them. They all get themselves into some serious shit but it doesn’t really matter, because nothing happens to them until they arrive to the hostel. They go to some local festival, where they all get drunk on cider and all manage to get guys.

And then, they are being hunted. And this time it is not nearly as scary, not nearly as bloody, but much more retarded.

Before I start, let me just say that everyone who wanted to see “Hostel 2” saw it in theaters. If you didn’t want to see it, you would have waited for DVD. Eli Roth obviously thought that his film will be off the chain and will make more money than “Titanic,” but got disappointed after… an eight million opening. He blames the bootleg copies (which I read that “Hostel 2” was the most downloaded movie ever), and we go onto believe that UNTIL “Captivity.”

Roth, did it ever come to you that maybe we are all tired of the torture-porn genre. Look at “1408.” Sure, I thought it sucked more than a Thai hooker, but it made money, and a lot of other people liked it. It was finally a movie that didn’t rely on gore and actually relied on phobias like claustrophobia, phasmophobia, and others. But the only phobia that Eli Roth creates in his films is hemophobia, lots and lots of it. If “1408” didn’t come along, I would keep thinking that is the only thing that we cinephiles are afraid of.

Naww, there is seeing a spoof of “300” being made by the same guys that did “Epic Movie” that scares me just a little bit more.

*Someone comes up to Tony and whispers in his elf-like ears.”

THEY’RE DOING WHAT?!

The acting is the same as the same acting that you’ve seen in that one horror film, which is the same acting that you saw in the other and the same acting that was in that movie too. Horror movies are not only known for their shitty acting these days (unless of course if it is that one movie that is my fifth favorite movie of the year), but they are known for having the lesser known actors. “Hostel: Part Two” is no different. Do you actually want me to go into them, or do you want me to say that their acting won’t win any Oscars? I’ll think I’ll just stick with the second one.

I’m not going to go into calling Roth misogynic and gay, because saying that doesn’t really mean anything about his films other than hidden references, but I will say that Roth is nothing more than one of us – a guy that likes to watch movies, horror movies in particular. He doesn’t create a horror film that he wants you to like (although, he might expect you to pour eight bucks into it…). He creates a film that is basically inside of his deepest, darkest thoughts. In his mind, in his dreams, there is some lady rubbing her tits with blood, while she is slitting some girl’s throat. Most people would call his ideas insane. I call them… well… visionary.

Let’s begin here: Eli Roth is more than a director. Roth, while I am not a fan of him and his other films, shows a lot of enthusiasm with his projects. And dare I use him in the same exact sentence with this guy (as I’m sure a lot of you guys are going to kill me and rub blood all over your genitals), but Quentin Tarantino and Eli Roth have a lot in common. There are nights where I fall asleep dreaming that some guy in a cape and a mask is dueling me in a light saber match, and I even had a dream that Chuck Norris and Bruce Willis come together for their final film “Walker, Texas Ranger and John McClane: Lets kick some Yippie-Kay-Yay motherf-in’ ass.” If I can do that, so can Eli Roth. He is just as visionary as I am. And if you are a director, shouldn’t you HAVE a vision?

Maybe I’m going too easy on “Hostel: Part 2,” but let me say this – it’s not as bad as what many people say it is. Sure, it’s almost a carbon copy of the original, but the original wasn’t perfect to begin with and hell, this is better than the original so I’ll take this any day with it. But as far as the torture-porn genre goes, we can only wait and see what is going to happen. You got “Hostel: Part 2” and “Captivity” coming out on DVD this week and next, and “Saw IV” in theaters. Let’s see if anyone pays for them.

Or can we blame the bootlegs again?