Feast 2005 Directed by: John Gulager Cast: Balthazar Getty, Henry Rollins, Navi Rawat, Judah Friedlander

Written by: Jaysin Champion AKA: Jay Decay February 4, 2007

I have to say at first I was pretty stoked to get a chance to watch Feast but 10 minutes into the movie I felt like a fool.

This movie lacked a lot of creativity and made up for it by having a cast of pretty cool actors and musicians including Jason Mews of Mallrats, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Clerks 1, Clerks 2, and Dogma, Clu Gulager of Return of the Living Dead and Nightmare on Elm Street 2, Henry Rollins from the band The Rollins Band, Treach from the group Naughty By Nature with his Hip Hop Hooray crap and whatnot and Duane Whitaker who played Roadrash in the crappiest movie I've ever seen, Hobgoblins.

Although all the characters had pretty cool introductions that tell who they are and how long they are going to last in the movie *though all wrong*, the entire cast has stupid names like Hero, Boss Man, Beer Man, Vet, Honey Pie, Bozo, Hot Wheels and Drunk Girl. I mean seriously can you guess the occupation of the character named Bartender? How about Coach? Would you believe Coach is a motivational speaker? Would you also believe that the character is played by Henry Rollins who I mentioned earlier? Well yeah, it is, and he's hilarious, seems every role he gets in movies is an opposite reflection to his stage form, which is pretty cool. So anyways he ends up getting his pants ripped off by a creature and has no other option but to wear some tacky pink sweat pants, and that's about the best part of the movie. Other than that the kill scenes were great but the creatures were just not as good as they could have been and too many people live to the end of the movie.

Now there are a few things that I have to point out after watching this movie.

1. Real barf in a movie is noticeable, and gross, what the hell is wrong with you?
2. If you get your monster dong stuck in a door don’t expect to keep it attached when there's knife welding wussies on the other side.
3. Poking a dead body with a fork won't do anything but make you look like a hungry cannibal and might scare the people around you so kind of keep that under wraps you sicko.
4. Monsters that breed within a 5 minute time frame are something to fear, especially if their offspring are almost as hungry as their folks.
5. This movie sucked.

The breakdown of Feast is as follows:

Body Count: 11 humans and 4 creatures

Boob Count : 0, but there's two great cleavage shots, in fact one of them is of a chick while she's washing all the blood off her.... it's actually very nice... if your into that sick kind of stuff.....

Other : 1 pitiful sex scene, 1 clean cut amputated leg, a creature dry humping a deer head, another one humping some chick's face, and 1 nasty maggot infested barf bath.

Jay Decay's Rating: